I feel I’ve stayed in Kotzebue for all these years because that was the safe option. Just find work, make money and hangout on my off time playing video games. I’m not going to talk down to people who do that and enjoy it, but I can’t help but feel there must be more to life.
I’ve always wanted things, I’ve spent plenty of money on
art, video games, movies, books. While before I got excited getting something
new, now I found myself empty now not getting enjoyment from this. Before I
thought it might be depression, maybe there was some of that, but buying things
that’ll end up collecting dust isn’t fulfilling. I’ve simply shifted to getting
things that I’m going to spend time with and enjoy. I’m looking at all these
things and think that I’d be just as happy without most of it.
Now that I’m past 30 I’m asking myself what I’m doing in
Kotzebue. At this point it’s not my plan to become a hunter or do anything that’s
special here. It’d be one thing if I planned on living a substance lifestyle,
but am I really going to go all in on something like that at this point? When I’m
40 maybe? I just don’t see it happening. I like going to the theater, I’d like
to participate in a Chess tournament, and it’d be great to go out and have
something to do. In Kotzebue someone living a substance lifestyle would have no
problem with that, as there’s always work to do, but where does that leave me?
In Kotzebue I found myself in state of stasis, and that’d be
fine except for the fact that I’m not getting any younger. I don’t want to
insult anyone, but to be honest I don’t know about my friends. Most of them
have no direction in life, kind of where I’ve been as well. I hate to say it
but if those are the people, I’m hanging out with than that’s where I’m going
to continue to stay. Moving won’t guarantee that I’m going to meet amazing driven
people, but I think I need at least a reset, a fresh start.
When I talk to people about moving, I always get asked about
work. The fact is there is more working opportunities out there than ever
before, I’m not worried about work. And after my brother Tom’s death in April, I
think I need to put less of a priority on work. It’s not that I’m going to just
quit working at all, for over a decade I’ve prioritized work, never saying no
to anything and making work the most important thing in my life. Now I look at
what I been doing and wonder what it’s gotten me. I’ve been unhappy, I haven’t
been in any sort of relationship, and the only interesting things I’ve accomplished
have been mostly worked related. What’s that really doing for me? Working is
great, contributing to society is great, but I’ve keep forgetting about the
most important thing in The World, myself.
I was at another funeral last week, and Pastor Robert
Sheldon made a point that one day we’re all going to die. He also pointed out
that we have no clue when it’s going to happen; I certainly didn’t expect my
brother to die before he made it to 50. While I’m not a religious person he’s
certainly right, what am I doing with my life? I’m getting older every second,
closer to death, but I’m not living like it. I think it’s time to figure out
what I want to do, and work at accomplishing that. Yes, I need money so I’m
going to work again, but that’s not going to be my priority. A great example of
this was I used to wake up to go to work; now my plan is to work out after I wake
up. I’m getting out of bed to accomplish the things I want to do, not for a job.